For alot of my life as a Christain I was alot like this squash/zucchini. I couldn't decide if I was all in one way or the other, but God has had me on a journey (unbeknownst to me) that would have me reach the end of myself. Reaching a point where I can say that "I am all in". Let me explain:
A long time ago, life felt somewhat easy, but that's because life was all about me. What was best for Melissa. Period and end of discussion. That is not how God calls us to live and just recently I was given clarity on the journey God has had me on. You see I like control, which would naturally be the thing God calls me to give up, but that has not been easy.
A week or so ago, I was frustrated with Bailey and literally said to her "if you would just let me help you, then it would be so much easier for you" shortly followed by "I know that you want to choose _______, but I promise you really want to choose ___________."This is where the lights went on in my head and GOD said "eh, hum- Melissa if you would just let me help you, then I promise it would be easier for you and Melissa I know that you want to choose ________, but I promise you that you really want to choose __________." This was followed by a flood of memories of things I have given up control on. I knew I was giving them up and trusting God in the moment and sadly each one had to be dealt with sepeartely and with some grieving. Thankfully God wasn't going to leave me where I was, but I just wish I could have trusted him more through this process.
Here's where I can see this journey started:
Summer 2003- I was desperately trying to find a teaching job during a hiring freeze in Texas. I went all over dropping off my resume at different schools for atleast a month before becoming really discouraged at a particular school. It was at this point in the parking lot that I finally prayed and ask God to allow me to get a teaching job. I felt fairly confident that he had equipped me to be a good teacher and I was now allowing him to have a say in that area. I didn't end up getting a job that Fall and ended up substituting. I really liked substituting, which allowed me to visit different schools and see all the grade levels. Wouldn't you know though, that I never once got a kindergarten subbing job. A grade that I was certain beyond doubt that I was supossed to teach. I did, however, get a 4th grade long term subbing job that lead to a 5th grade long term subbing job and I accepted that position for the next year. Can you imagine my surprise that I preferred teaching the older grades versus kindergarten? Can you imagine my surprise when I one day parked in the front of the school versus the back only to find that I was in the exact parking space at the exact school where I had broken down before God and prayed that I would get a teaching job? I am not sure, but I think that this all happened so that I could always come back to a point in my life where God was faithful beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Depite the fact that he proved himself to me in the area of my job, I kept each area of control seperate. So, one one by one I had to give up these areas- leadership in my marriage, how we spend our money, Bailey, how many children we would have and the spacing of them, where we would attend church, Blake, my time and how I would spend it, whether or not we would adopt, my job as a pharmacy tech, Blair, and as silly as it sounds a clean house.
A couple of months ago Todd Agnew was leading worship at our church and had us really think about the words of the hymn- I Surrender All. I have never really been able to sing this song as I knew that it wasn't true for me. I would basically be singing I surrender most or not sing at all. I make a mental note to deal with this issue and the craziness of the notion that I would hold anything back from the God of the universe. This moment allowed me to finally, finally give up the next issue.
Over the course of all these years I have given over where we would live and then taken it back. You see, in pre-marriage counseling, I made Luke promise me that we would only be in Austin for a short time before moving somewhere else closer back to where we both grew up. I have held this promise over his head for such a long time even when I knew that God was asking me to release it. I am such an Indian giver on this issue, but I am finally able to say that I have completely given up on my dream of living in a smaller community. I can recognize that I have grown more in my faith in Austin, which is a place outside of my comfort zone, than I would have if I were somewhere comfortable. If Austin is where I need to be for whatever reason he has, then this is where I need to be.
I am finally all in. And I can't tell you how good it feels. I am not perfect. I will most certainly fail at this again sometime, but my heart is in the right place to where I know that I trust God and truly believe he has my good in mind.
I am reading a Chip Ingram book and in it, it talks about how we will only be able to choose second best for ourselves. It's interesting to look back and be able to see that had I gotten my way on some of the things I have given up that I would not have chosen best, but I can only see that in hindsight.
If I had to choose I would be the sqaush. All squash. Sorry zucchini.
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